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Me: Same
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[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Just parrot things
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.