What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
You Might Also Like
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”