Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
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*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Education is vital
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
stand with me against insufficient seating
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.