I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
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My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.