When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
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My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
They must have gotten it to go.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
(Jupiter –
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope