I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
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funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
hackers play passwordle
Love it! 👍😂
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community