“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
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Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
In Canada they just call them geese
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*