“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
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Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I can also cook 😂
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.