I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
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Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
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Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture