Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
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Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
It do be feeling this way.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen