If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
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A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.