My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
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Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.