It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
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Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille