the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
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[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Phonetics
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day