A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
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Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Pot warmers of the day.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?