Pot warmers of the day.
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Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.