hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
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I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
thanksgiving in nutshell
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.