Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
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[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
She was REALLY feeling it.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…