Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

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If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.


It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”


Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.


Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators


Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already


My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.


[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”


*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it


Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault