@Home_Halfway

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

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@UNDEADTRESOR

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

@PinkCamoTO

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”

@darksidedeb

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

@bonehugsnirony

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

@mariana057

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

@TuSoonShakur

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

@noog

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

@iwearaonesie

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

@NotEthanSmith_

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault