Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
You Might Also Like
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
men are simple creatures
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Flowers bee like
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain