If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
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“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
What if the weather talks about us?
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Thursday
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
the composer
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock