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Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
That’s enough internet for the day
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men