He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
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welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*