So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
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Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant