Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
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Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!