Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
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Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
My life coach traded me.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars