Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
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*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light