Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
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He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
A man of commitment.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.