A man of commitment.
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anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
absolute chaos
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.