*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
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Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for