Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
You Might Also Like
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add