Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
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ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”