Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
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You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….