Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
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Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
kevin is now a local weatherman
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.