her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
You Might Also Like
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes