Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
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[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Festive toon…