*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
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[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.