I can鈥檛 stop laughing 馃ぃ
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Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I鈥檓 so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I鈥檒l add 6 just in case.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME鈥橲 TOM AND I鈥橪L BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
TEETH IS INNOCENT
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
God: you鈥檙e a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what鈥檚 updog?
Dog: nothing what鈥檚 up with you lol.
God: yep you鈥檙e just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
If you鈥檝e ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
I finally found a reason to live again.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Cop: Is there a reason why you鈥檙e going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won鈥檛 work unless you go 88mph!