My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
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*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
they split up moments later
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”