Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
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[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.