[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
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INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.