Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
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scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]