Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
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I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.