How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
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movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems