saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
You Might Also Like
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats