Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
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me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?