Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
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2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.