You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
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I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?