there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
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I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.