My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
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This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?