[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
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teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]